Conflict Management

Tips for living with roommates off campus

Anonymous — Tue, 26 Jul 2022 20:09:11 +0000

Tips for living with roommates off campus Anonymous (not verified) Tue, 07/26/2022 - 14:09

Living off campus can pose additional challenges and responsibilities that you may not encounter in on-campus housing. This can include things like rent, utilities, lawn care, parking, grocery shopping and navigating roommate issues more independently. Here are some tips to help you make the most of living off campus with roommates.

Create ground rules

While you’re not required to have a roommate agreement off campus, we highly encourage you and your roommates to create one. Even if you’re living with friends, a significant other or the same roommates as last year, it’s important to create or revisit ground rules to avoid conflict around things like rent, utilities, visitors, etc.

Here are some helpful topics to consider for off-campus students:

Rent (who owes what, how to pay/reimburse each other, due dates, etc.)
Utilities (whose names are utilities under, splitting bills, etc.)
Parking (how to share a parking space/garage, costs, permits, etc.)
Deposits (who pays and how much, reimbursement for damage, etc.)
Pets (what kinds, breed restrictions, pet rent, care, etc.)
Morning and nighttime routines (quiet hours, class times, waking/sleeping hours, etc.)
Cleanliness of shared spaces (laundry, trash, dishes, clutter, chores, etc.)
Visitors (friends, significant others, overnight guests, gatherings, etc.)
Borrowing or using each other’s things (electronics, food, clothes, toiletries, etc.)
Purchasing common items (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, food, etc.)
Preferred ways for addressing conflict
Quality vs. alone time
Substance use (partying, vaping, drinking, marijuana, etc.)

Think through your expectations, habits and routines before you move in (or soon after) and come prepared to create a shared roommate agreement. You can use this free Roommate Agreement Template from Off Campus Housing and Neighborhood Relations to help you get started. You can also get free legal advice if you have questions about your lease or rights when living with roommates.

Be a good neighbor

Living off campus comes with extra responsibilities, like being a good roommate and a good neighbor. Here are some simple ways you can be a good neighbor and avoid conflict with longer-term residents:

Introduce yourself

Introduce yourself to your neighbors. If you’re nervous about introducing yourself in person, consider filling out this free Neighbor Contact Form to leave in their mailbox or on their front door.

Follow city ordinances

Make sure you’re aware of ��ý�� ordinances, including occupancy restrictions, furniture and trash requirements, snow removal, yard maintenance and fireworks laws. Reviewing these rules can help you avoid citations, nuisance complaints and other forms of conflict with neighbors or law enforcement. Be sure to also follow neighborhood or community rules related to pet waste, street parking, etc. It’s also important to know that everyone listed on a lease can receive a citation for ordinance infractions, regardless of whether or not you are all present at the time of the infraction.

Make amends

Stuff happens. You may forget to take out your trash or park in front of a neighbor’s driveway (whoops). If you make a mistake that may annoy their neighbors, remember to handle the situation in person, listen to your neighbor’s perspective and consider making appropriate amends (e.g. helping with lawn care, shoveling snow, taking out trash, etc.).

Understand conflict styles

Everyone handles conflict differently, depending on the situation, their conflict style and who they’re in conflict with. However, there are some common themes that may show up in a person’s response again and again. Exploring how you approach conflict can be a great starting point for learning or refining your skills around conflict resolution.

Take our free Conflict Style Quiz to learn how you approach conflict and how your ‘default’ response may impact your behaviors or attitudes in different situations. You can also share this quiz with your roommates or housemates to start the conversation around how different people handle conflict.

Take the Conflict Style Quiz

Practice communication skills

It’s best to address roommate issues quickly before they fester. Addressing issues through texting, social media or sticky notes on the door may lead to miscommunication or increased frustrations. This is because we can’t always know how the message will be received by the other person. A simple reminder to “take out the trash” may turn into something more.

Instead, try to address any potential issues in person. It can be helpful to make a plan and think through how you can express your needs before approaching your roommate. Using “I” statements to describe how the situation makes you feel is a helpful way to start.

Here are some examples:

“I feel hurt when I’m not invited to game night because I really enjoy hanging out with you.”
“I feel frustrated when the trash doesn’t get taken out because we agreed to switch off who takes care of it each week.”
“I am upset that my coat was damaged because I can’t afford to replace it.”
“I feel hurt when my snacks get eaten by others because it’s hard for me to make it to the grocery store.”

When talking through issues with your roommates, remember to listen for understanding and ask follow-up questions during the conversation. Resist the urge to formulate a response to what the other person is saying while they’re speaking. Instead, you should be focusing your full attention on the emotions, issues and reasoning behind what your roommate is saying.

Support resources

Conflict Resolution

All students, regardless of if you live on or off campus, can visit Conflict Resolution. They can help you navigate conflicts between roommates, significant others, professors, classmates and more. They also offer free workshops, mediation and coaching sessions if you’re looking to improve your skills around conflict management and resolution.

Peer Wellness Coaching

Peer Wellness Coaches provide peer-to-peer support and are available to meet with students living on or off campus. They can help you navigate concerns related to roommates, relationships, stress, finances and more. Peer Wellness Coaches can also help you set goals, connect with additional resources and create self-care plans.

Off Campus Housing & Neighborhood Relations (OCHNR)

OCHNR is here to help students with all aspects of living off campus, from searching for an apartment and roommate, understanding ��ý�� housing options and providing free lease reviews with our staff attorney, to navigating roommate disagreements, understanding ��ý�� ordinances and advocating for tenant rights.

Center for Inclusion and Social Change (CISC)

CISC works with LGBTQ+ students living on and off campus. They can provide information on gender-inclusive residence hall programs, gender-neutral facilities and more. Their office can also help students find inclusive housing and roommates that will be welcoming and supportive.

Support for potentially harmful living situations

In some cases, you may feel like you are stuck in a traumatic, toxic or harmful living situation. Harmful behaviors or experiences can include harassment, stalking, partner abuse, sexual or physical assault and hazing, to name a few. The Office of Victim Assistance (OVA) can provide additional support to help you explore your rights and options, make a safety plan, get medical treatment if needed, discuss your living situation and more.

Get connected with OVA by calling 303-492-8855, emailing assist@colorado.edu or filling out a confidential request form online. Submission forms are only reviewed by confidential OVA staff and will not be shared with the university. If you would like to be contacted by an OVA advocate counselor, please be sure to include your contact information on the form.

Learn more about OVA

Living off campus can pose additional challenges and responsibilities that you may not encounter in on-campus housing. Here are some tips to help you make the most of living off campus with roommates.

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5 things everyone should know about living with roommates

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Jan 2022 07:00:00 +0000

5 things everyone should know about living with roommates Anonymous (not verified) Sun, 01/02/2022 - 00:00

Living with roommates can be an adjustment, even if you’re living with friends. Whether you’ve had roommates before or are living away from home for the first time, here are five tips for living with roommates.

1. First impressions aren’t always accurate

Raise your hand if you’ve ever looked someone up online before meeting them ( ). While this kind of information gathering may help satisfy your curiosity, it’s also important to remember that people may present themselves differently on social media. Try to take your first impressions of someone with a grain of salt, whether it’s in person or online. Allow yourself the time to get to know them over the course of a few weeks. Seek out the things you have in common (interests, hobbies, etc.) and allow space for differences, too.

2. Roommate agreements are helpful

A lot of roommate conflict arises from mismatched expectations, miscommunications and other subtle misperceptions. Make sure you’re covering the basics by setting ground rules together, even if you’ve lived together before. Talk through each of your expectations, habits and routines together. Remember that you may need to revisit these subjects each semester as your schedules and commitments may change. Here are some topics to discuss together:

Morning and bedtime routines (quiet hours, class times, etc.)
Cleanliness of shared spaces (clutter, laundry, dishes, etc.)
Visitors (friends, significant others, overnight guests, etc.)
Borrowing or using each other’s things (electronics, food, etc.)
Purchasing common items (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc.)
Parking arrangements
Preferred ways to address conflict and discuss issues
Substance use (i.e. marijuana, alcohol, vaping/smoking, etc.)

You can create a roommate agreement to establish common ground and hold everyone accountable. Make sure everyone is on the same page and that everyone is able to share their input. Off-campus students can use this roommate agreement template. On-campus students will be able to complete a roommate agreement in person with their roommate and RA following move-in.

3. Communication matters

When you’re upset with a roommate, be sure to address it quickly before it festers. Addressing issues through texting, social media or notes on the fridge or door may feel like an easy way to avoid conflict, but it can also lead to miscommunication and increased frustration. Since we can’t control how the message will be received by the other person, it may lead to more (and bigger) issues down the road.

Instead, make time to bring up the issue in person, ideally when you’re both at home with no lingering distractions. Make a plan and think through how you can express your needs—this will help you feel more prepared. Remember to use “I” statements to describe how the situation makes you feel. Here are some examples of how to use “I” statements:

“I feel hurt when I'm not invited to game night because I really enjoy hanging out with you.”
“I feel frustrated when the trash doesn’t get taken out because we agreed to switch off who takes care of it each week.”
“I am upset that my coat was damaged because I can’t afford to replace it.”
“I feel hurt when my snacks get eaten by others because I have special dietary needs that make it difficult to grocery shop.”

While you’re having a conversation with your roommate, be sure to listen for understanding and ask follow-up questions to ensure you’re interpreting what they’re saying correctly. Resist the urge to formulate a response to what they’re saying while they’re speaking. Instead, focus your full attention on the emotions, issues and reasoning that your roommate is bringing up.

4. Everyone handles conflict differently

Everyone handles conflict differently, depending on the situation, their conflict style and who they’re having a conflict with. However, there are some common themes that may show up in a person’s response again and again. Learning how you approach conflict can be a great opportunity to learn or refine your skills for successful conflict resolution.

You can take this Conflict Style quiz to learn more about your approach and how your default response impacts your behaviors and attitudes toward conflict. Encourage those around you – roommates, friends, family – to take it, too, so you can learn how to work better together. Knowing other people’s styles can be helpful in reframing your approach or working to find alternative solutions when conflict does arise.

Take the Conflict Style Quiz

5. You may not be BFF’s (and that’s okay)

While it would be nice, change doesn’t happen overnight. Disagreements don’t always resolve the way we’d like, and more often than not, seeing progress requires a series of conversations and a willingness to keep trying. Having a healthy relationship with your roommate doesn’t always mean that you’ll be best friends in the end. However, it’s important to continue communicating and working together.

If things feel like they’re unresolved, let the person know you appreciate their time and you’d like to follow up with them in the future. If things are resolved quickly, share your appreciation and gratitude with the other person and let them know you value their help and input.

Resources

There are a number of resources available to students living on and off campus. Here are a few to check out.

Resident Assistants (RAs)

If you live on campus and need additional support, your RA can be a great resource to help mediate conversations and help everyone come to an agreement. Talk with your roommate, and set up a time with your RA to discuss any unresolved issues.

Conflict Resolution

Whether you live on or off campus, Conflict Resolution provides services to help students navigate conflicts with roommates, significant others, professors, classmates and more. They offer free workshops, mediation and coaching sessions for students looking to improve their skills around conflict management and conflict resolution.

Peer Wellness Coaching

Peer Wellness Coaches are available to meet one-on-one with students living on and off campus. They can help you navigate concerns related to relationships, stress, finances and more. Peer Wellness Coaches can also help you set goals, connect with additional resources and create a personalized self-care plan.

Whether you’ve had roommates before or are living away from home for the first time, here are five tips for living with roommates.

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3 tips to have an effective conversation about COVID-19

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Jan 2021 14:36:04 +0000

3 tips to have an effective conversation about COVID-19 Anonymous (not verified) Sun, 01/24/2021 - 07:36

It can be challenging to have conversations with people who don’t share our own views or who see the world differently from us. However, it’s important to facilitate open conversations about the things we disagree on where both parties feel respected and understood. If you are having a conversation with someone about COVID-19, here are some tips to keep in mind.

1: Approach the conversation with an open mind

Approach difficult conversations with empathy and understanding. It’s normal for people to have conflicting feelings about the pandemic and the changes they’ve had to make. Be empathetic and know that ambivalence is normal. It’s also important to keep in mind that your peers likely have different reasons motivating their actions and choices. Try to understand what is important to them, what they need and how that impacts their behaviors. Avoid making assumptions about why people are resistant to following the rules. Instead, take their perspective and life experiences into account.

All of the information and expectations around COVID-19 can be overwhelming. Having meaningful conversations can provide you an opportunity to help your peers navigate changes and see how their choices can impact others. If you've tried to have a conversation and you're still concerned that the other person is not following campus health and safety guidelines, you can reach out to Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution for support and guidance.

2: Listen for understanding

One of the most important things we can do when having tough conversations is to really listen to and understand what someone is saying. Below are some things you can do to be an active listener and things to avoid that can interfere with communication.

Things that get in the way of listening:

Distractions
Prejudging the person
Rushing to solve a problem
Dismissing or invalidating feelings

Things that can help us listen better:

Be aware of your own feelings, and avoid projecting them onto the other person.
Talk in the right environment, one that is neutral, free of distractions and allows us to remain present.
Focus on listening to the person rather than what you will say next or how you want to respond.
Meet them where they are at. We can’t change people.

3: Use effective communication skills

Listening is often the first step in having a successful conversation. However, it’s also important to practice good communication skills that can help direct the conversation in a healthy way. Here are some things to keep in mind when having difficult conversations with someone.

Not sure what to say?

Here are some things you can say if your friend, roommate or peer:

Refuses to wear a face covering because they aren’t worried about getting sick: “I know wearing a face covering may not be comfortable, but it’s a good way to protect us all.”
Wants to have a party or have more people over than you're comfortable with: “Having lots of people in close contact can increase the spread of the virus, and the more it spreads the less likely we are to stay on campus this semester. Can we just have a few friends over instead?”
Is angry about the public health guidelines and feels like they aren’t able to meet new friends or have the “college experience”: “I’m sure this is different from what you were expecting. Would you be interested in looking at some different ways to get involved and meet new people?”

If you and your friends disagree on how strictly you’re following health and safety guidelines, it’s better to defer to the person with a stronger boundary. So if one of you is more strict about guidelines, try to take that person’s lead when making decisions about what to do.

Be mindful. Sometimes when we’re passionate about a topic, it can bring up a lot of feelings that may lead us to escalate the situation. Learning how to notice and manage our emotions can help keep things from escalating. Be mindful of your tone and demeanor, and be aware of how you’re showing up in the conversation. Check in and ask yourself “does this still feel like a conversation or does it feel like an argument?”
Ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. These questions can help draw out ideas or thoughts from a friend or peer. For instance, you can ask “How are you feeling about the new campus policies?” Use them as a way to gain deeper understanding, but use them sparingly. If you ask too many open-ended questions, it may make the conversation feel more like an interrogation.
Use affirmations. Whether you agree with someone’s position or not, it’s important to use affirmations to highlight the strengths and values that someone is bringing to the conversation. For example, “I totally get wanting to have a normal social life despite everything that's going on”. Validate how they’re feeling, rather than how they’re behaving. You can be understanding that someone is upset, angry or worried, without saying it’s okay to yell.
Use reflections to clarify. Reflections are a great communication tool, but they can take some practice. Reflections give us a chance to state back what we think someone is hearing or saying without framing it as a question. This either confirms to someone that we are hearing what they are saying or gives them the opportunity to correct any misinterpretations. A friend may say to you, “I understand why it’s important not to have large parties, but it’s so boring to just sit at home on the weekends.” You can reflect back, “It sounds like you want to help do your part in reducing the spread of COVID-19, but you are needing another way to connect with friends and have fun.” Oftentimes people may experience stress when they feel that they don’t have a sense of control. Providing options for next steps can be a way to give them some agency in a situation. In this case, you can offer alternatives like, “What if we invite a few friends over for games or go to the park together?”
Summarize the conversation. Wrap up the conversation or a portion of the conversation by summarizing to highlight the positive aspects of what you discussed. Keep in mind that change doesn’t happen overnight, and this may be a topic that requires ongoing effort on the part of both people. At the end of the conversation, thank the person for their time and let them know that you appreciate their willingness to speak with you. If you feel like you need to revisit the subject, let them know that you would like to follow up at a later time.

Campus resources

The Effective Conversations about COVID-19 Course covers campus expectations for health and social behaviors, helps students build effective communication skills and includes ways to stay connected. It takes roughly 30 minutes to complete through Canvas.

Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution offers guidance, coaching and support to help students navigate conflict and difficult conversations. They also provide oversight and enforcement for the Student Code of Conduct.

Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS) is offering a free virtual COVID-19 workshop series. This series is composed of 4 independent workshops designed to help you cope COVID-19 related changes in your life. This is a great option if you’re short on time, want quick coping skills or are feeling distressed. CAPS is also available for crisis support, brief individual counseling, psychiatry, consultations and other mental health services. If you’re concerned about the well-being of a friend, roommate, classmate or colleague, please call 303-492-2277.

Learn more about campus expectations and health and safety guidelines by visiting the Protect Our Herd website.

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It can be challenging to have conversations with people who don’t share our own views or who see the world differently from us. If you are having a conversation with someone about COVID-19, here are some tips to keep in mind.

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